Goodbye 2010.. Welcome 2011

Its the 31st of December, and my last post this year..

This has been a year i will probably not want to live again, but there are memories that will last forever.

Made friends who i will cherish till this world ends and that mean the world to me

This also means its closer to the fact that all my friends, the ones who my life revolves around, will go on for further studies in a few months. Specially one friend, He changed my life and my ideas. I will miss receiving text messages from him every morning and every night. Knowing him for less than 4 months, he has become a vital part of me. You were like the brother i had missed and the friend i never had. I shall feel aimless and completely lost without you.

The last few minutes of 2010, I want to spend with a very special person. Even tho you were only a fling, you made me feel pretty. even tho your not the best kisser and not my favourite "hookup" but you are probably the most special

The Cab Rides and the kisses, you made me feel like a princess. Just so you know, ill always be your 'babe' :)

I met a twin soul, He was someone i could relate to. His pains were like mine and his thoughts were like mine. We understood each other. Our walks to my ride after school are the best :)

My tallest friend :) Your a very different person and even though your completely crazy, i love you :) I will miss getting your texts, so much :(

I almost lost some and only a 'miracle' helped him out, Thankyou Dr.Natalie :) you gave me my brother back. Going through that, the thought that maybe tomorrow or the next hour you would breathe your last, we went through hell. you will probably never read this ;) but I love you, forever and forever cause you mean the world to me.

These are probably the most important things (there are a few more but those are best kept to myself) that has made this year different.

For all your 12graders, Best of luck

and for you love, Your babe wants to see you shine :)

forever yours,

runaway rockstar

I never want to let you go, but baby i guess its Goodbye

Its only now that i realize that once their all gone, Im alone.. On my own. in a few months, People who mean the world to me will be going off the countries far and near and there's nothing i can other than holding on to moments that made them so special, All i have left is a lousy goodbye i could say.

While i write this, i think of a bunch of people I'm going to have to get used not receiving texts/calls/missed calls from .

People who have been special for reasons of their own. All i wish for now is that 30 years from now, i still want to be talking to them like nothing happened, i want to be able to call them and say whatsup?

This is me just pouring my thoughts with no real sense, signing off now

Maybe some more and some less, but theres just too many people i shall miss.

Specially You.

rockstar

That one boy who always makes you weaker.

All girls have this ONE boy, it maybe their boyfriend, it could be their crush, or maybe just a friend. But there's always this one guy who makes your knees go weak, makes your heart go fast and of course sprouts that smile on your face.

Sometimes you don't know why, but there's this magic in them that no matter what, makes you high. He may not be the boy you really want to date, neither may he be the best of guys,

but simple things like the way he walks, the way he smiles or even just the way he talks makes you wonder so much.

You don't necessarily love him, But when he's around, your wondering if you do.

There's always this spark, and sometimes they know just what will cheer you up..

I have mine, and he's not what people call boyfriend material, in reality, pretty much he's what people call, Womanizer.. I couldn't agree any less.

Never the less, each time he sends me a text, or even a missed call, My heart skips a beat, cause i know i crossed his mind, even if its only for a second.

Well, He's my womanizer..

Whose yours?

Will be back soon,

Yours truly,

Rockstar

Walking on Sunshine.. :D

So this is what happend..

I was supposed to meet up with a girlfriend. .but this unfortunately.. Did not happen..

So very upset.. i excepted my boredom just as it was..

But suddenly, a phone call and a few texts.. changed my day from sheer darkness to sunshine :)

You made me smile.. like u always had ..

rockstar

ps. This is Probably the happiest post ever written on my blog.. :P

Some may say I'm a dreamer..

So iv begun smoking like a maniac again.. Why? I do not know.. but Alas i can't take life anymore.

Iv become one of the unknown and yet the known, i have ceased to exist my own world, and yet exist against the will of the watcher.

This is me just venting, what i write here, right now, may make no sense to you, but I don't give a fuck.

In my scrap book of life, i would like love to tear a few pages out and crush them into non existence. If only someday, i could loose all that i have felt. All the pain i have bared, will I to live again.

You still give me butterflies, well FUCK OFF.

I'm falling for him, well why don't you just die

I am soon going to go insane.

Suicide is not a solution, it is an answer that is yet to be answered and then seizes to exist.

Kill Me.

Yours Truly

rockstar

When one of us has a broken heart..

The title, as usual has NOTHING to do with the post (i have sudden addiction to songs and can think of nothing but its lyrics)

Well things that happnd

1. I turned 16

2. I think i like someone

3. i hate school

4. High school drama is at its limit

5. I have amazing pair of heels

6. I love my people

I had my exam and again, i am scared i am going to crush hopes. I seem to be so confident before and when the bell rings, my confidence evaporates like ethanol and there i am sweating and shivering wondering if i'm going to fail my expectations once again..

anyway i will be back soon

yours truly

rockstar

Hello.. Goodbye

A few things i have noted in this crazy fucking country.

1. You have absolutely NO privacy.
2. If you do something that is very uncommon you are considered BAD
3. They consider themselves broadminded. but thats about it. they still are Homophobes and don't like atheists.
4. They cannot digest the fact that this country is a SELL OUT.
5. our media has ruined EVERYTHING. also the horrible taste of clothing people have.
6. Bikini's and miniskirts are not the only cloths westerers wear. so GET A LIFE.
5. I think sari's are pretty seductive. and they think wearing a dress is obscene.
6. women with facial hair. PLEASE DO NOT USE BLEACH. If you can't bare pain there is a beautiful invention called HAIR REMOVING CREAM. if u have no idea what im sayin. u dont want your face covered with blonde facial hair.
7. Its not a bad thing to hang out with a guy.
8. its not a bad thing being dark. nor its it crappy to be fat. so all u superficial assholes. get a life.




goodbye

Rockstar

Something thats never happend

On the plane to my next destination was quite a journey.. and i swear a weird one too.

Ive never cried so much.

I missed someone i shouldn't. I don't know why i was missing him.

He isn't someone I'm supposed to be missing, and yet every part of me was aching to have him. I don't miss him, and yet theres this thing in me that wants him back.. sometimes a little too much..

i watch him with his girl and wonder..

If he could move on, Why can't I

Maybe thats why they say..

a heart never break even..

adieu

rockstar

auf Wiedersehen..

I can hear the church bells ringing with all their might... four churches at the same time..
*
i did something that was very unlike me..
i went to all the churches around, 4 churches to be precise and i lit candles in every steeple and put 2euro's in every box.
i don't know why but i sat on the benches and felt a calmness.
okay this doesn't mean that all of a sudden im going to belive in god or anything.. its just that the place had a silence and stillness that made everything peacefull..

*

Ive felt a random connectiong to this city.. i want to be a part of it someday..
Its amazing how no one cares about what you do, what you wear or what you are..
your allowed to be exactly who you are and not what society wants you to be..
well, I will be back here someday... i know that..

*

The hills are alive....

So im in the worlds most beautiful country.. well, city. actualy, no the whole fucking country is just awesome.
Its a city of art, history, music and the most gorgeous people i have ever seen.
This place is filled with Classical music, Dance and cute boys =p Yes, im happy. Very happy.
I havn't been this happy in a loong time,
very long time.

ps. i took a while. Uhm, i had so much to do, rather than staying home, so i din't make it onlinw.

Rockstar

with the world cup in front and a beer can in my hand..

Sittin in my room, i can see sporadic spots of snow far on the hills..
Im sitting inside only because its raining like crazy outside and its freezing..
i have been considering letting my identiy out, but then i it would mean that i wouldn´t be able to write as freely as i can now..
so iv given up the idea.. but once i think its right, its gonna be out .

Uhm, so the world cup. im ever so excited.
I wonder who´s going to win. Ah, that will only be known on 11th July.
Sigh. Football. a lovely game.

I really miss so many people right now, but i don´t want to go home. not now, not ever. but alas. that shall not be

Iv been watching foreign movies and honestly, their the best iv ever seen.

i spent 3 hours at the church yesterday and felt stupid, but the church bells mezmerize me ALL the time.

I plan to get 3 more peircings. my ears still hurt but i dont really care.

all this doesn´t make sense.


bye bye




rockstar

when nothing makes sense. I write random crap.

Im supposed to be packing my bags.. but i have 3 more hours before i leave so im cool.
Iv been sleeping A LOT lately which is very unlike me .
but this hasn't stopped me from staying up nights.
but whatever.
*

Im hoping this holiday will help loosen up the tightness around me.
there's this weird choking atmosphere which i can't bare anymore .
I need a break
i need CHANGE
*

So im falling in love.
but why am i so scared.
I shouldn't be? Im the one telling people that there's nothing scary.
I know he likes me. I know cause he told me so. but why is it that i try and avoid it every moment even though i can't stop thinking about him.
maybe i need to shut up.
*







I dont know what this was all about. Pardon me if it doesn't make sense.
i have no idea either.



rockstar

Hallelujah..

Hearing the waves crashing onto the rocks has this weird effect on me..
the sound of the sea.. calms my soul.. an inner voice that is usualy lost returns and helps me realize what i really am.. it gives me a break from the world..
My Time.. Only me
On my phone plays a great classic 'Soldier Of Fortune' by Deep Purple..
Friday.. D'Day.. results wil be declared and a voice inside me tells me im going to fail my folks..
Its weird how i have never been able to be friends with girls.. their theories and ideas make no sense.. mind you im a strong femenist and yet i complain..
i seem to be more comfortable with guys.. i can be Me and not care about what they think..
But Social Tabboo forces me to be what im not.. forced me to do what i dont want to..
coming back to results..
Even though i fail to understand why i fear results.. i have already got what i wanted then why?
probably the joy i saw in my folks when they saw her marks .. the joy on everyone.. i have a constant voice telling me that im going to crush their hopes.. burn their dreams to ashes..
even though i know they will not care after a while.. but that momentary joy lasts forever..
for now i say good bye

yours truely

Rockstar

Silence

This was preety much inspired by a facebook note than a friend had put up.
>> http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/notes/vishak-sudha-ayappan/silence/10150191507810652
worth a read.
But he mentiond silence, as a whole.
im just going to mention about three things
1. the silence in Love.
2. the silence of Nature.
3. the silence of The Troubled.

all the three have a weird link to my life. to everyones i suppose. sometimes, the three combine to give a weird mess


The Silence in Love
In love, words don't really matter. Yes, they do make you smile.. sometimes.. even cry. but the real essence is in the stillness of moment. when you feel that the world around you has stopped moving. the world has stopped turning.
the silence when you just gaze into those eyes.
the silence when he hold you close.
the silence when he pushes your hair back and kisses you
you know, just by being there that someone loves you. he/she doesn't have to tell you. the silence explains it better than words ever could.
you know your heart is safe, how long? know one knows.
slow dancing with him in dim light without music.
très parfaite

The Silence Of Nature
The sudden silence that quietens your world. the sudden silence that lets your thoughts free. it calms you. gives you a break from the mundane routined life.
it lets your mind regenrate what was losd and rid of what isn't wanted.
the stillness of the ocean.
the rustling of dry leaves
the serenity of a desert.
you dive into your inner seld that was probably lost in your busy life
a break taken from a world where you are what they want. but not truely who you are .
a break from 'LIFE' itself.

CHANGE

The Silence of 'The Troubled'

A silence not forced, but yet forced
a silence that tortures them
escape is easy, yet only momentarily
the silence, bringing back the pain. the reason. the trouble.
the pain of a lost child
the pain of a widow
lonliness drives people mad. yet this lonliness isn't silent
thoughts of the pain scream at you. making you want to scream and yet you only remain still
the silence makes you wonder whether you are prey or just unlucky
you think of the bad done/happend to you
it is a silence pained beyond pyshical pain and yet you can't descripe it .
there is no cure. but ignore.
the question .

How long can you ignore??

Rockstar

Thoughts i don't really require

I should have been writing/completing my entre work. but i would rather jump of a cliff. again, maybe not

1. when a whole group of people hate a teacher. or anybody for that matter, there is deffntly something wrong with that person, cause honestly not a whole group of people are dumb
2. i don't get the idea of bffs. yeah, i have a whole lot of best friends or that sort of things. friends. are friends . nome closer than the other. but one bff. maybe not
3. true love lasts forever. BULL CRAP> yeah, you may love someone a LOT, but honestly, everyone needs a break..
4. you think i don't know. but i totaly know your talking about me . WHORE

i have to leave for school now. i willl type later.

xx